Sometimes when I nod NO,
it means YES.
Other times when I nod YES,
it means NO..
They are sort of the same thing.
NO’s become YES’s
and YES’s become NO’s.
When I’m first getting to know someone,
I can see it on their face
when something
Fabulous Happens
and I go to nodding NO,
and they quirk up,
and say:
“NO”?
I have to quickly
jump in and say,
“Oh,
NO means YES,
I love it,
YES!”
It’s almost like
what we shared
was so profoundly moving,
or on target,
that I can’t believe it,
so my head automatically
just goes to nodding NO.
I think it is grace,
caused by life,
keeping the balance.
Two explanatory images
POP
into my head.
The first one
was at age 12,
My Mother oddly
decided to take us 3 boys
to the beach
without our Dad.
Packed and Sunscreened up,
on the way out of town
she stops on the street
outside THIS apartment complex.
In a happy-YES-sounding
sing-song-y voice
she says:
“Before we go
to the Beach,
boys,
I want to show you
where YOUR DADDY
is going to be living
from now on”.
We WERE a happy family.
The tears that I cried,
in between
the gasps of breath
that I was gulping to catch,
drowned out that fine line
between YES and NO.
This was the beginning
of my faith
that no matter
what happens in life,
I am going to be o.k..
I began to understand
the power I had
to transform NO
into YES.
Second Image;
the first weekend
that I had visitation
with Mary Grace
after her Mother and I separated,
we had a Fucking Blast.
We bought MORE
bumper stickers
to add to the
old,
ugly,
avocado green,
VW Camper Van
that
I could afford to drive.
We were so proud
of that
KILL YOUR TELEVISION
bumper sticker
that we found,
it affirming
that our shenanigans together
were better memory makers
than watching
a goddamn TV Set,
that I couldn’t afford.
Taking her home
THAT Sunday,
riding up the highway,
at 3 years old,
she turns to me
her eyes starting
to BLEED UP with tears,
her arms reached out for me,
and said,
“Daddy,
NO NO NO,
I want you to
come home with me,
Daddy,
PLEASSSSSSSE DADDY,
PLEASSSSSE”.
THAT image
of her wet swollen eyes
and those desperate arms
are forever
branded in my brain.
I had to pull off
of the interstate
and we just held each other,
crying uncontrollably,
reassuring her that
“NO I can’t go with you Mary Grace”
actually meant:
“YES Mary Grace,
I will always love you”.
Don’t stop at NO,
it’s just something to get through
on the way to YES.
no offense intended, but i’m sure he does damn.