Sometimes when I nod NO,
it means YES.
Other times when I nod YES,
it means NO..

They are sort of the same thing.

NO’s become YES’s
and YES’s become NO’s.

When I’m first getting to know someone,
I can see it on their face
when something
Fabulous Happens
and I go to nodding NO,
and they quirk up,
and say:

I have to quickly
jump in and say,
NO means YES,
I love it,

It’s almost like
what we shared
was so profoundly moving,
or on target,
that I can’t believe it,
so my head automatically
just goes to nodding NO.

I think it is grace,
caused by life,
keeping the balance.

Two explanatory images
into my head.

The first one
was at age 12,
My Mother oddly
decided to take us 3 boys
to the beach
without our Dad.

Packed and Sunscreened up,
on the way out of town
she stops on the street
outside THIS apartment complex.

In a happy-YES-sounding
sing-song-y voice
she says:

“Before we go
to the Beach,
I want to show you
is going to be living
from now on”.

We WERE a happy family.

The tears that I cried,
in between
the gasps of breath
that I was gulping to catch,
drowned out that fine line
between YES and NO.

This was the beginning
of my faith
that no matter
what happens in life,
I am going to be o.k..

I began to understand
the power I had
to transform NO
into YES.

Second Image;
the first weekend
that I had visitation
with Mary Grace
after her Mother and I separated,
we had a Fucking Blast.

We bought MORE
bumper stickers
to add to the
avocado green,
VW Camper Van
I could afford to drive.

We were so proud
of that
bumper sticker
that we found,
it affirming
that our shenanigans together
were better memory makers
than watching
a goddamn TV Set,
that I couldn’t afford.

Taking her home
THAT Sunday,
riding up the highway,
at 3 years old,
she turns to me
her eyes starting
to BLEED UP with tears,
her arms reached out for me,
and said,
I want you to
come home with me,

THAT image
of her wet swollen eyes
and those desperate arms
are forever
branded in my brain.

I had to pull off
of the interstate
and we just held each other,
crying uncontrollably,
reassuring her that
“NO I can’t go with you Mary Grace”
actually meant:
“YES Mary Grace,
I will always love you”.

Don’t stop at NO,
it’s just something to get through
on the way to YES.

no offense intended, but i’m sure he does damn.