There were nights
that I would lay there,
together, yet alone,
watching the clock,
touching every second
of every minute
of every hour
that didn’t go by.
That was 1985
when I knew my life
needed to change,
not yet courage-d
to implement,
nor honor,
what I knew
I needed to do
to stay whole.
Insomnia sucks ass.
Coupled with that
kicked-in-the-gut-full-of-fear feeling,
night-time was unbearable.
The fear hurt so bad
that all normal bodily functions
ceased to perform.
Stopped on a dime.
Out of sheer desperation,
and emergency care of my soul,
I had to exit
my previous pleasing pattern
and learn to walk blindly
through the darkness alone,
trusting I would find light.
The hope I had
for finding the light
was greater
than the fear I had
that I would not.
Halle-goddamn-luja
is all I can say.
Lately,
It seems I’ve been bombarded
with people telling me
that they haven’t been
sleeping at night.
They lay there paralyzed,
they stay online all night,
or just keep tossing and turning
worried about their jobs,
or lack thereof,
their lack of money,
or their fucked-up relationships.
MY insomnia disappeared
when I decided
that sleep
was more important
than protecting someone else
from their fears.
I needed to change.
My M.O. in life
WAS to protect others
from themselves
and the pain
that they felt.
I was one SICK FUCK.
I believe insomnia
(and not eating right,
not sleeping right,
not shitting right)
are all symptoms
of your body
telling you
to look at your life
and make a change.
Hard Changes.
Severe Changes.
Calls for Action.
Spiritual Rejuvenations.
Lock yourself
in a room with a mirror
and be honest.
More fucking honest
than you ever have been
in your life.
Forgive yourself
and your FAIL.
Relax.
Feel the Flow of the current.
Loosen up your shoulders,
close your eyes,
let go of past mistakes,
trust that you won’t drown.
Know that the universe
is here to support us
in the honor and respect
we have
for our wildest,
most healthy,
and heartfelt dreams.
Draw a Line.
Say Yes
.
It’s ultimately our choice.
